As most of you know, Cedric's birthday is coming soon. There will not be a major celebrations for him as we need the money for the house. I feel very sad. i really want to hold a big celebration for him. Though some may think that it's only a birthday, he'll have it again nxt yr but still i feel that the first birthday is very impt.

When i look back into my old photos of my birthday, though i cant remember wat happened back then but thru the pics i can still feel the love and concern from my family. From their faces, i know that they are enjoying themselves.

I want my son to have that same feeling too.

I feel that as a mother, i hvnt been giving alot of attention to my son. I'm not there for him most of the time. I feels sad when he is upset and wants comfort, he'll choose my mother instead of me cuz my mother is his care-giver. I know i'm not suppose to be jealous cuz i really deserve it.

Yesterday Cedic has his annual check-up at NUH. He was suppose to have his blood drawn for blood test. I was jokingly telling the nurse there tat i want to stay and watch Cedric cry cuz he has a very funny expression when he cries. But when i saw Cedric being held down by 4 grown-ups, i felt sad and anxious. Initially when they jab him with the syringe, Cedric was brave and he did not cry. It was when the nurse pulled out the needle slightly and pushed it back in that he started wailing. Then I noticed that they were not holding him already but Cedric was actually being pinned down. He is very strong. He struggled very hard. I was very worried that the needle will break. He was staring at me, crying as if saying: Mom, I'm being hurt, why are you not helping me? Why are you doing this to me?

I couldn't help him, he's blood has to be taken for test. I need to know if he is healthy. I really feel sad. Seeing him cry and i cant do anything to help him. When the whole episode was over, I was holding him tight in my arms and telling him i was sorry. Sorry for not helping him, for letting him go thru the pain, for wanting to see him cry.

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Dear Cedric,
I love you. I'm sorry for putting u thru such a bad experiance.
Please forgive me.

Mommy said her piece @ |11:57 AM|

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